When we talk about the 11th tradition, it's pretty standard for people to think about celebrities and whether they should or shouldn't say they're in AA or in recovery. The discussions I've heard in traditions meetings seem to focus on the public image of AA and if newcomers might associate celebrities with the fellowship.
What if the celebrities relapse and newcomers think AA doesn't work? What if someone hates that celebrity, and it keeps them from getting sober? This story isn't about those questions - it's about how anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films impact personal sobriety.
In the early 1990's I had been sent to a lockdown juvenile treatment facility. When I got out, I drank again almost instantly.
My bottom was rushing up to hit me thanks to an intervention from my family. However, like many others mandated to the program, I wanted to get out of trouble more than I wanted AA. I certainly hadn't admitted complete defeat as the first step in the 12x12 describes.
The big book says that once you tell an alcoholic the true nature of their malady, they're forever changed. That's precisely what happened to me, and I spent the next few years trying to show myself and everyone around me that I could control my drinking. I would show up to meetings drunk, and I'd lecture my drinking buddies about sobriety.
My early sobriety wasn't graceful in any way.My mother was religious and worked at a large institution in the city I lived in. She had no personal experience with alcoholism or substance abuse - I easily hid my drinking from her for years. So when she told me that she was organizing a conference on teenage drinking and substance abuse, I scoffed. If she really wanted to educate people, I told her she should put ME up on the stage. Pure arrogance and alcoholic entitlement. I was impressed for all the wrong reasons when she said yes.
Of course, I'd never even heard of the traditions at that point, but I was super impressed with myself and thought I'd done a great job. The journalist I spoke with afterward had taken notes and asked if she could use my name. I said yes, of course, and was very happy to read about myself in the paper the following Sunday. Then I promptly forgot about the whole thing.
The following fall, I started at a new school, and on the first day, the Dean of Students pulled me aside with a pretty stern look on her face.
She said, "I read that article about you in the paper, and you can't fool me. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. I have my eye on you."
At that point in my recovery, I was barely sober, and this comment became a refrain in my head - reinforcing the idea that I couldn't get sober. It was just one of many excuses for why I drank again.Eventually, I got through that school and moved on to the career phase of my life. My sobriety grew more stable, and I put some time together working with a sponsor. I moved to a new city and forgot about the article for years.
After 15 years of sobriety, I was approached by a large company to take a senior job. For roles like this, it's common for the employer to do background checks on the people they're hiring. Usually, they're checking to make sure people actually have the degrees they claim to have and have actually worked at the jobs listed on their resume. But they also do extensive checks in public archives and press.
Great sponsorship kept me from taking inappropriate action. I said nothing and waited. And waited. I got the job, but I kept expecting the other shoe to drop. I was worried that the company policy was that if they found out something about my background they didn't like after taking the job, I could have been fired.I know now that they wouldn't have fired me for being mentioned in this article, but it nonetheless became a breeding ground for alcoholic fear.
I was worried about having my anonymity broken to people I wanted to maintain a professional distance with. I was concerned about future advancement if my bosses thought less of me. Over time this article became a vehicle for alcoholic fear. Deciding to speak at this event and agreeing to have my story published stemmed from arrogance and entitlement. It became a reason I drank early in my sobriety and felt like a skeleton in the closet later in my sobriety.
I absolutely regret doing it.We often think about the steps as how we develop ourselves spiritually and the traditions being focused on maintaining our fellowship. This is absolutely true, but the traditions are personal spiritual tools as well- they help us put our higher power first and give us a framework to be sober out in the real world.
Anonymity is a spiritual principle because it provides us with a guideline to keep our arrogance and other defects in check. For me and many other alcoholics, I need these tools to maintain my sobriety and help make sure I can walk freely without fear and resentment in all aspects of my life.
H@anon.coach