I had been experiencing a change in my personal relationships after years of recovery. So why did I feel trapped at work, and why was I walking on eggshells?
We joke about Monday mornings, but mine were full of panic, dread, and an occasional shouting match on the phone while walking to the office. I was constantly on edge, irritable with my mom, and impatient with strangers. Even my dog suffered from anxiety because I exuded unease.
The attempt to push personal limits eventually led to clear violations of boundaries. Passive aggressive language evolved into direct blame, and the barrage of abusive behavior was usually followed by giddy banter and lunch for everyone. The staff's performance would begin to deteriorate under the stress of her erratic behavior, so she would cancel work for a day and take everyone on an "inspirational field trip". The following week, the cycle would begin again. I was emailed or texted at any hour of the day - something long and angry about how she was tired of doing everyone's job and how much I was getting paid. (A penalty was imposed if I did not reply within an hour.) I was asked to edit personal letters or emails. I was accountable for a messy P&L full of frivolous personal expenses.
Eventually, I limited my PTO days to major holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and sick days, but I would still receive “feel better “ texts, subtly hinting I was lying when I was sick. Invalidation of any work concerns, rage towards any disagreement of viewpoint, and expectations that I would be her personal therapist when she lay on the floor crying about a romantic relationship became standard. There were small moments when she would admit that she couldn’t let go of control or would ask me if she was doing something to sabotage her own business. It was like an alcoholic admitting that maybe they should stop drinking. I found respite in her small moments of clarity.
I am the adult child of an alcoholic, and neither my personal nor professional relationships have been free of dysfunction. My work lines are blurred with my personal life.
I felt that my loyalty to tenure and my “willingness to work through the hard stuff” was an indication of being a valuable employee, but I was trapped in an environment that rendered me nearly helpless. It wasn't much different from my romantic relationships, and I remained in those for similar reasons. My sense of false responsibility for others and chronic guilt about how my actions would impact them or feel like abandonment was more important to me than my career.
I didn't want it to be a story of failure, and I couldn't remain in an uncomfortable situation. I wanted to ensure that my resilience could overcome bad situations for the company's benefit. And similar to my romantic relationships, I felt a sense of pride in knowing that no one else would be able to put up with this drama. There was a distorted sense of security in that. This was my martyrdom.
I wasn't being fairly compensated for my work. I wasn't being appreciated or heard. I wasn't taking time off that I needed to replenish. When I had time off, I was barraged with work emails, texts, and, depending on my boss’ mood, being shamed for taking a vacation at “the worst time possible.” I was constantly experiencing anxiety or drama. But I was loyal - I had tenure, and I just “knew” things could change. Things would change if I could just fix everything so that other people would feel better.
I had been working for someone who had been a friend for years before working together. I never saw any red flags because I found a reason not to. My perspective in romantic and work relationships had become distorted. I finally started to apply the principles of my program in my work affairs and, with that, began to see that my self-image had been damaged, and I could no longer maintain healthy relationships anywhere on my own. I employed the same behaviors I used in my alcoholic relationships at my job. I knew if I continued this way, it would kill me. It would kill my career.
“Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.”
She was a terrible boss; this is true. But this excerpt from the Big Book helps me understand that it’s less about them than it is about me. If someone else is the problem, I will never find a solution. I've learned the difference between a wall and a boundary through my program in Al-Anon. A wall separates me from others and sometimes from myself. It's rigid, hard, and unmovable, and it's a sign of my all-or-nothing mindset.
I see my truth as a result of my recovery, so certain behaviors I once tolerated are no longer acceptable to me. Setting boundaries can be difficult, but I can have the courage to enforce them if they are right. My fourth step inventory helps me understand my values, and with that, I can define my limits. But I can choose which discomfort I'm willing to experience for my own dignity, instead of staying in an unbearable situation out of fear.
It means I can trust a higher power to meet my needs because I’ve not abandoned myself. At the end of the day, I have walked through incredibly painful and difficult circumstances, and I survived them all. I would say that those are some pretty good odds.
M@anon.coach